As of now, I can safely say that I'm heartbroken. I know its not really safe, but fml la. I know I'm not the only one that goes through this sequence in life, but its just too sadd :'( yeah, its about her. now I'm like shadow in her life. no. i'm like the aglet of her shoelace. aglet. the tip of the shoelace. I am important at a point of time, known, but as time passes I'm just there. Forgotten if i'm important or not. Then when I'm broken or anything, i won't be repaired. I'll be replaced and thrown away. More than 90% of people would even think that an aglet can be repaired. Since I've time right now, I'll tell you the whole story if I can. I'll try to make it brief. So we started out about 3-4 years ago. During sec 2 camp. We were in the same group. Although my memories are vague, I'll tell you what I still remember. I remembered her as the pretty one. In my group, there was no one that could be compared to her. not that i remembered of. Well, last time, she was more of the cute-pretty type. hahah. but still, I found to be really attractive. but, at that time, I wasn't looking for a partner yet. I wasn't ready. I wasn't mature. I wasn't prepared at all. so i let it all slip out of my hands and focused to be the clown of my group. I became the Mascot of my group. I became BUBBLE BOY. lololololololololololollol. I was hyper and crazy. what can I say, thats just my nature. So cause of that, I was caught in the spotlight. I know that she was with Glennys most of the time, if i'm not wrong.. lols. Then it moved on to when I was in sec 3, a few months later.. I surprisingly did quite well for my final year exams and was allocated to AWESOME 3P1!!! Hahahahah. One of the girls that caught my eyes was none other that the Queen of Spades, Elaine.. GOSH!! her presence couldn't be neglected and not felt. Then I was close to Rachel, my beloved grandmother. SHe plays a very important role in my life i can tell you. She's been there through thick and thin. She might be small, but she is BIG in my eyes. My heroine. haahahah :) I can't remember everything, but i know pieces of it.I remember the times when I approached her to tease her. and make her laugh. there are like only a few people I go up to. Oh, I was seated in the first row, third column from the door. ad i was like 3 tables away from me. she sat on the second row, first column. We weren't far apart at all. heh.. I used to take every opportunity to spend my time with her. I cherished every moment i had . cause i knew it wouldn't last that long. I was wrong though.. It went on and on.. Another interesting thing that i did, Norman, Halim and I created a list of the most beautiful girls individually. We had similar girls on our list but I had one girl they didn't have. Elaine.. hahahah. I wasn't surprise though. what can i say... xD to be honest, I've never liked a girl out of my league, cause I knew i wouldn't stand a chance at all. but as I grew older, I became more mature. not totally, but more.. hahahah. I also became more daring for sure. So I became a fearless bastard and a risk taker. Taking risks is what i now do often. I realised that only risks can make you achieve something great. things many people don't get. Other than that, she texted me first!! lol but for a class relay msg. that was how i got her number. then i started to text her. slowly, but at an increasing rate. :) to me, it wasn't awkward at all when it all started. So it went on at home and at school. We got close and I could be considered as her good friend by the end of the year :) I was one step closer to letting her fall into my arms. This, however, didn't last when I came to knew that she was alr attached. I was sad at first, but I still have faith in myself. I had to wait. It was the right thing to do. I knew myself well. I wasn't a scumbag. I wasn't at all a selfish bastard or anything of that sort. So I didn't interfere with her relationship. So the holidays came after our final year exams! Time to enjoy! HAHAHAH. but frankly, I can't rmb what the hell I did. lololololol. I knew for sure it was well spent. If I'm not mistaken, I went for outings, met up with my buddies and I frequently went out to play football! :D oh, I also tried to study, but i probably got distracted. then came sec 4. the epic year when I had the most fun and the year when I knew what it was like to really study.The year flew by like it was only a few months. le first thing that I did that contributed to Elaine's year was voting her to be the class chairperson. I knew she needed the cca points. her cca didn't really helped her much. It gave her about 15 points around there and she needed 5 more. so she had to take up a role in leadership or anything else that would give her the boost. In a way, I changed her life. though it might not be significant, I did what i could to help. Seng Wee was elected as the vice-chairperson. Now here's the thing.. Seng Wee is my very close friend, my brother, my abang.. We had a good history for 4 years :) I was close to him, and his partner was Elaine. you'd know where this would go. Seng Wee was the bridge btwn me and Elaine in administrative situation. So I got more involved in class events and stuff. It wasn't bad at all.. I had to say this helped me in my character. I was more focus, became more initiative and more outstanding, not afraid to share and show. in a good way of course. heheheh. So in events, I would volunteer to be this and to be that. So back to the story, I got even closer to Elaine. I still tease her and stuff.. But I took a step forward when I decided to send her home one day. It was a fine day, with a fine lady~ ^.^ She took a route she usually took and I learnt it in a few min. lol. I spent the time with her learning about her, getting closer to her :) I got to know quite a lot like how she hates not only insects, but animals too. she still lives her life to the fullest, living like a kid whenever she can. walking home with her makes me feel like doing things i used to do when i was young.. well, i still do those stuffs anyway. LOL. there is this one thing about her that makes it all different. Its her aura. she gives off this vibrant feeling.. the way she smiles.. the way she walks.. the laughter she makes.. the glow. she has the glow.. you'll know it when you see it. seeing her home was the step i took which made my day and others too. I began to send her home whenever I could. then, one day in class, Ms Rashidah, our social studies teacher, told the class ghost stories.. this scared the hell out out of Elaine. she almost cried! :( oh I wished i was sitting beside her so i could've comforted her. Jie Yi (her tablemate) did a fine job of doing that though. So during that period after the stories were told in class, I was asked by Elaine and Jane to send them home. Jane's another good friend of mine :) I was like so happy that she wanted me to send her home. I felt like a bodygaurd. so big and strong. protecting her w my life. hahahah. detour~~ For me in life, I want to be the one who can give guidance and protection to others then they need it. I wan to be the one who can be relied on to give them what they need when  they feel insecure. I want others to be comfortable and happy with what they have and what i can afford to give. if i can do it, i WILL do it for them. so back to the story. I was le one. le knight in shining armor, summoned to protect le beautiful princess :) Oh, there was this one time that she came to me and hugged me in the arm, seeking protection. I can't rmb what for exactly, but it was like I'm flying high into the sky.. on cloud9.. her skin was so smooth, her hair was fine and silky.. ooohh~ that feeling was... DAYUMM!! hehehehe. It may not seem like a big deal, yeah i know.. but it was like wow! BOOOMZ! level up! lolololol. I'll skip to graduation day.. before even going there, I promised Elaine that I would not only make her a graduation card, I would make her 10 cards compiled tgt to me a mini graduation book. I didn't know if she took me lightly for it or not, but I had to keep my word. I spent nights making card for her and the whole class and other friends of mine. I made over 50 cards, 2 pages each. Elaine's card was the most difficult to make. 20 pages. what could i fill up 20 pages with..? I had to be creative. for her, I would think of ways to fulfill my promise to her. I filled it up with a graduation message, a mini story, nicknames we had for each other, personal things and drawings. This was the first time I ever drew something for anyone (except for classes). I spent 1 night alone drawing for her card to near perfection. It wasn't easy. I'm not an artist or anywhere near, but determination and perseverance help me pull through. I knew I loved her when I was doing this. I cried in the process too.. But it was all for her. I spent about 3+ days to finish her graduation cards alone. I had 50+ others to go.. So I spent a whooping week and more to finish everything. This was a month+ before O-levels, the major exams. So i struggled with my studies an this graduation. I made it through both! I had to say, I had it in me and more.. Perseverance, determination, responsibility integrity and passion. I live by these main values and others as well. I know that if we follow by these values, we will strive to greater heights and go beyond our limits. So during the graduation day, we were exceptionally happy! I could sense that Elaine was somehow attached to me. she was closer to me then ever before.. She made me smile. she made my day :):):):):) we had lunch at pizza hut together as a group. It was fantastic. The meal was great, and i sat diagonal to her. I kept looking at her most of the time. she's so beautiful! :> teehee.. I went off to meet my bros and she went somewhere else with her friends. Spent the rest of the day celebrating! read the cards i received. I was touched and delighted. Then I received an sms. It was from her:

"Fahmi, thank you for the 20 pages card..It may not be the best looking one but I love it most. Honestly,I rmbr you from the sec2 camp.. You were a clown to me then and I didn't pay much attention to you either. It is through last year I found out you were a fun and great friend to be with. You cared about me, about how I feel. You accompanied home when I was scared of the ghost stories. Most importantly, you were there when I needed a helping hand. Like for just now when me and Jane were playing. I know you were there to prevent me from falling. I appreciate it. I could sense your care for me these two years. I read some parts of the card and, and I was touched. I wanted to give you a hug but no I can't. I'm sorry I was so direct in saying I'm attached. But I don't wanna lie to you. Thank you for being a such a wonderful friend.You know you're the first best Malay friend I ever had. I'm not being racist, but its  fact.We'll hang out after o lovels okay. I love you, for who you are, as my good friend :))"

This was her reply to my graduation card to her.. i read it over and over again.. I knew I still had a chance. I just had to wait. But, it didn't work out. She got far away from me as she was in junior college now, and I'm in polytechnic. Her time table is so packed that she doesn't have time for me.. who am I to her? just an aglet. She rarely replies me. She's not to be blamed.. I don't know if I should let her go or not.. I'm not even sure if i'm her good friend anymore.. I don't know if she even thinks about me. She used to tell me her problems, and I would listen and give her my advise.. now i'm like a nobody to her. hidden away, probably forgotten.. :( it kills me to think about her.. Here's a song which relates to the situation.. I think.. Enjoy~


YoU aRe NoT aLoNe~ =)